Friday, May 28, 2010

This is all Cliff’s fault

I’m just sayn.

So this is my first blog post in a long time, mostly because I’ve been spending my time over on this other site I run with Cliff. He’s been doing the vast majority of the writing, even more so lately, mostly because I have the attention span of a gnat right now. I’m angry and full of angst and anxiety, and I don’t really know why, and its made it so I can’t write for shit lately, nor can I play games, or do much of anything for very long. If I play a game for 30 minutes straight thats pretty good right now, and its been that way for a long time now. It used to be I could play games for hours and not get bored, now I can barely stand it.

So Cliff said I should write on my blog again and do a rant as its cathartic. If you’ve ever been to Cliff’s site ( you might understand where he comes from on this. His sarcasm-laced posts are a wonder to behold. Its really quite amazing actually. How he wealds scorn like a rapier. So he has a lot of experience in cathartic writing it seems. So here I am, writing on my dead blog again.

But what do I rant about? I mean I don’t even know why I am angry. Should I be mad at Republicans? Should I be mad at Democrats? Americans? Non-Americans? The letter ‘Z’? Which is pronounced ‘zed’, not ‘zee’. Unless its in a name, like ZZ Top, its not ‘Zed Zed Top’ after all.

I suppose I could blame my mother in law, thats always a good reason. We had it out a few months ago where I finally snapped and started swearing at her. I suppose after 8 years of having to deal with her shit on a daily basis snapping is ok. She actually made as if to hit me a few times. I found that quite amusing really, but at the time I was actually shaking in anger. I’m a laid back guy, it did take 8 years to finally snap after all (I’d bet a UI cheque someone else couldn’t last a month. I’m looking at you Cliff.) , and I don’t like it that I snapped. I don’t like it that I’m angry now. The mil is always in the background with this air of disapproval no matter what we do. I’ve stopped mowing the front lawn, I’ve stopped even getting up early too. Basically I’ve finally stopped giving a shit if she gets mad or not, cause I just don’t care anymore. It used to be that I tried to keep the peace by helping out, or getting up early (not having a job means I don’t really have to get up at any one time).

We recently told my wife’s family we are moving back to Canada. Everybody except the mil is happy about that. She now makes comments to my wife about how she isn’t ‘built’ for cold weather, and other odd things like that. She’ll grab my wife by the shoulders and look her in the eyes and tell her not to move. Its messing with my wife’s head, cause she starts to feel guilty about ‘abandoning’ her mother. This is one thing that is annoying me I suppose. Its the pressure we both feel from her mother about this.

As I am writing this she is sitting in the kitchen behind me eating her dinner. She just asked me what my wife & I are going to eat, I said ‘chicken’, and then she asked if I was going to cook it. She did that because we had Kraft Dinner (mac & cheese) for breakfast/lunch and she got upset we didn’t have bacon and eggs. She’s ‘watching’ the bacon to see if we eat any. Yeah, thats the shit I live with.

We also have the mortgage modification going on right now. We’ve made our three payments and are now waiting to see what happens. I suppose I should be hopeful, but I’m more stressed. Everything rides on this going through, if not, we be fucked, and I am trapped here longer. Which I suppose is where I am really stressed out about. I’m trapped in a crazy country with a crazy mother-in-law, no job, no future, everything is falling apart and we have nothing left to fight it all with. No money and no energy. My health is shit too, so me getting back to Canada is a high priority so I can finally go see a doctor about some of my long standing issues.

All I really want to do is move back to Canada, find work, get healthy and live a normal life. I’m not after a Rolls Royce, nor a million dollars, I just want a normal life where my wife & I can enjoy ourselves. For the entirety of our marriage we have not had that. Thats my dream right now and while moving back to Canada is so close, it seems so far away too.

Cliff… Yeah, didn’t seem to help much cathartic-wise. My blood pressure is up again cause now you made me think of all this shit.

This is all your fault.